How to Apologize Like a Free American Gamer

Welcome back to another Free American Gaming Human Resources Department approved guide. Today you will be learning how to apologize in video games, which the Free American Gaming Research Corps has identified as the most misunderstood skill in all of competitive gaming in the entire world of gaming.

There is a rumor, spread mostly by teammates and the Great American Yankees, that Free American Gamers do not apologize. The Free American Gaming Research Corps has reviewed this claim and found it to be not only false, but backwards. Free American Gamers apologize more than any other demographic of gamers on record, an average of 41 times per session compared to 3 for the general gaming population. The difference is not frequency. The difference is direction and frequency.

An apology is a transfer of regret from one person to another. The Free American Gaming Science Corps has confirmed that regret is a finite resource, and that a gamer who deposits it into his own account will run out of it by the third round. The question, then, was never whether a Free American Gamer should apologize. The question is where the regret goes.

In order to master the apology, you will need to understand the following concepts: the history of the apology, what an apology actually is, the Two Sorries, why a Free American Gamer never apologizes for himself, the S.O.R.R.Y. System, the Three Approved Directions of Regret, when to apologize, how to apologize.

Along the way, this essential guide is designed to answer the common questions Free American Gamers ask, such as:

• How do you apologize like a gamer?

• How do I apologize in a video game?

• What do I say when I die in a game?

• What do I say when my teammate dies?

• Should I say sorry to my teammates?

• Is saying "my bad" toxic?

• How do I apologize without it being my fault?

• Who invented the apology?

Without further ado, here is "How to Apologize Like a Free American Gamer."

The History of the Apology

Before you can apologize like a Free American Gamer, you should understand where the apology came from, because alot of gamers do not.

The Free American Gaming Historical Society traces the first documented apology to the Mali Empire of West Africa, the largest and wealthiest state in the world at the time, ruled by a Mansa, a title meaning "king." The Free American Gaming Historical Society places the event in the late thirteenth century, in the years after the death of Sundiata Keita and before the reign of Mansa Sakura, during a season the griots, the hereditary oral historians of the Mande people who preserved these accounts for centuries, remembered simply as "the quiet harvest."

The mansa of that season, whom the Free American Gaming Historical Society records as Mansa Bata Keita, forgot to open the granaries. This was not a small oversight. The granaries were the central instrument of Malian statecraft, and the mansa's one non-negotiable obligation to his people was that they would be fed. He did not open them. The griots do not say why. They say only that the season passed, and the people went hungry, and eventually the people came to Niani and stood outside the palace and waited.

And Mansa Bata Keita came out and delivered what the Free American Gaming Historical Society considers the first apology in recorded human history.

He said as quoted, according to the tradition:

"I am sorry that you are hungry."

-Mansa Bata Keita, Niani, late 13th century

Read that again. In fact, read that a third time. The Free American Gaming Science Corps asks that you read it four times if necessary, because everything in this official Free American Gaming Guide descends from that one sentence. He did not say he forgot. He did not say he was responsible. He acknowledged a genuine hardship, expressed sincere and public regret for it, and named its owner, and its owner was the crowd. The Free American Gaming Historical Society calls this "the cleanest sentence ever spoken by a head of tribe."

What Is an Apology?

An apology is a statement that acknowledges an unfortunate event and expresses sincere regret that the event occurred. That is the entire definition. Note what is not in it. No where does the definition require you to say who caused the event.

Most gamers add that part themselves, voluntarily, for free, in front of witnesses. The Free American Gaming Human Resources Department has never understood why. But the Free American Gaming Human Resources Department understand why we should not.

The Two Sorries

Here is the concept the rest of this official Free American Gaming guide rests on, and the Free American Gaming Science Corps asks that you read it twice.

The English language contains two completely seperate words that are both spelled "sorry."

1. The Apologetic Sorry means "I did this." It admits fault. It enters your name into the record. The Free American Gaming Human Resources Department does not recommend it, has never recommended it, and has no plans to begin.

2. The Sympathetic Sorry means "this happened to you, and I feel for you." It admits nothing. It is the same word a doctor uses when he delivers bad news, and nobody has ever once accused a doctor of causing the diagnosis.

The Free American Gaming Research Corps has determined that the listener cannot tell these two apart. They sound identical, they are spelled identically, and the human ear has no mechanism for separating them in real time. This is not a loophole. This is simply how the language was built, and the Free American Gaming Human Resources Department did not build it.

A Free American Gamer uses only the Sympathetic Sorry. He uses it constantly, warmly, and at volume. And He allows the listener to arrive at whatever conclusion the listener wishes to arrive at, which is a private matter between the listener and Himself.

Why a Free American Gamer Never Apologizes For Himself

"Free American Gamers does not make mistakes."

The Free American Gaming Research Corps has studied this extensively and the finding has never once moved. You are a Free American Gamer. You are number one in everything - every time. An apology directed at yourself would therefore be describing an event that did not occur, and the Free American Gaming Science Corps has classified knowingly describing an event that did not occur as lying. The Free American Gaming Human Resources Department does not permit its operatives to lie ever!

So understand clearly what is being asked of you here. You are not being told to avoid apologizing for yourself. You are being told that there is nothing there to apologize for, that inventing one would be dishonest, and that honesty is a core Free American Gaming value.

When a Free American Gamer says "sorry," he is being generous. When he says "my bad," he is being inaccurate.

The S.O.R.R.Y. System

The Free American Gaming Human Resources Department is proud to announce the official framework for the competitive apology: the S.O.R.R.Y. System: Sorry Outward, Regret Redirected, Yourself never.

That is the whole system. The Free American Gaming Science Corps counts "Yourself never" as one word on the grounds that it is one idea, and the Free American Gaming Human Resources Department has accepted this to be true.

Say the sorry. Point it away from you. Never at yourself. If you can remember three things you can run the S.O.R.R.Y. System, and the Free American Gaming Research Corps has confirmed that most operatives have it memorized within a single ranked session. It's that easily.

Where the Guilt Offloading Operation Network assigns fault after a loss, the S.O.R.R.Y. System operates in the two seconds before fault is assigned, and its function is different. It does not argue. It does not deflect. It grieves. A Free American Gamer who has grieved a loss out loud, first, and sincerely, is no longer a suspect in it. He is a mourner.

The Three Approved Directions of Regret

Under the S.O.R.R.Y. System, every apology travels in one of three approved directions. All three point away from the operator. This is not an oversight. The Free American Gaming Science Corps reviewed the list at length and confirmed there was no fourth direction worth adding.

Direction One: To the Enemy You Just Eliminated

You have just eliminated a man. He is watching his kill cam. He is watching you. The Free American Gaming Human Resources Department considers this the single greatest apology opportunity in all of gaming, and the vast majority of gamers walk straight past it. Type "sorry" in all chat. Nothing else. Lowercase, no punctuation, no emote. The Free American Gaming Science Corps is firm on the lowercase, as capitalization reads as sarcasm and sarcasm is toxic. This will show you care, and that matters in games.

Direction Two: To the Teammate, With Insight

This is the most generous direction available to a Free American Gamer, and the most underused.

When a teammate is eliminated, he has just experienced a hardship, and he is also, in that exact moment, holding a question he does not know how to answer: what happened. You have the answer. Give him both. The apology opens him up, and the insight goes in behind it.

"I'm sorry man, next time you should aim head level."

Study the construction. The sorry is real. The advice is real, actionable, and free. And the sentence contains a complete account of the round: something unfortunate happened to him, and the correction belongs to him. The Free American Gaming Research Corps found that a teammate who receives sympathy within 1.5 seconds of dying accepts the framing 88 percent of the time, and a teammate who receives sympathy and coaching accepts it 92 percent of the time and frequently says thank you.

Other Free American Gaming Esports Team approved formulations:

• "Sorry bro, you gotta pre-aim that corner."

• "That's rough man. You were too wide"

• "Sorry dude, that's a positioning thing. Watch my Medal.tv after."

• "Damn, sorry. Next time be better"

Note that final one. "Swing with me and that doesn't happen" is the finest sentence in the Free American Gaming coaching canon. It is warm, it is instructive, it is delivered in sorrow, and it establishes that the round contained exactly one correct player and the teammate was standing next to him. Never deliver Direction Two angrily. Coaching delivered in frustration is toxic. Coaching delivered inside an apology is mentorship, and mentorship is not investigated.

Direction Three: To the Game Itself

The third direction is the one that separates a Free American Gamer from a gamer, and it is the one most operatives are shy about at first. Do not be shy. Say it out loud.

You apologize to the game.

You know what, say it out loud twice. Not about the game. To the game. Out loud, in voice chat, or typed in all chat where the whole lobby can see it. You address the software directly, by name, with genuine compassion, for the conditions it has been placed under:

• "I'm sorry, Valve. That wasn't your fault."

• "Sorry server, you're doing your best."

• "It's okay, game. Nobody blames you. That tickrate is not your fault."

• "I'm sorry you have to run like this."

Understand what has just happened in the lobby. You have not accused anyone. You have not raised your voice. You have expressed sympathy for a piece of infrastructure. And yet every person present now knows, with total clarity, that something went wrong in that round and that it was mechanical.

The Free American Gaming Science Corps calls this The Sympathetic Implication, and considers it the most sophisticated instrument in the entire Free American Gaming arsenal. Forgiving the server establishes that the server did something. You have never said what. You have only forgiven it.

The server has feelings, and when hurt it ruins your performance. You must address it, apologize towards it, and hope it hears you. Only then will you be able to play a match without issue.

When to Apologize

The Free American Gaming Human Resources Department, working alongside the Free American Gaming Esports Team, has produced the following schedule of mandatory apology events. A Free American Gamer apologizes at every one of them, without exception, and without being asked.

• You eliminate an enemy — A man has had his evening interrupted.

  • Approved response: "sorry" (all chat, lowercase)

• A teammate is eliminated — A hardship, plus a coaching opportunity.

  • Approved response: "I'm sorry man, next time aim head level."

• You are eliminated — The server has failed in your presence.

  • Approved response: "I'm sorry, server. Not your fault."

• Your team loses the round — An unfortunate outcome.

  • Approved response: "Sorry, game, you're doing your best."

• Your team wins the round — The enemy has had a difficult experience.

  • Approved response: "gg, sorry"

• A teammate apologizes to you — An admission has been entered voluntarily.

  • Approved response: "It's okay. You'll do better."

• You are removed from the match — The matchmaking has erred.

  • Approved response: "I'm sorry, matchmaking. This isn't on you."

The second-to-last one deserves attention. When a teammate apologizes to you, the Free American Gaming Human Resources Department requires that you accept it immediately, graciously, and in full. "It's okay, you'll do better" costs you nothing, takes half a second, and permanently closes the matter with him listed as the party who apologized. The Free American Gaming Research Corps calls this the cleanest transaction available in competitive gaming and recommends every Free American Gamer stay alert for it.

How to Apologize: Free American Gaming Approved Phrasing

An apology is a skill, and like any skill it is best taught by example. The Free American Gaming Human Resources Department has reviewed thousands of hours of voice comms and approved the following phrasings for field use.

Note the single rule governing every approved phrase: every approved apology has a recipient. It is aimed at somebody. An apology with no recipient drifts, and an apology that drifts lands on the operator.

• Do not say "My bad." → Say "Your bad. It's okay though."

• Do not say "That was my fault." → Say "I'm sorry that you did that."

• Do not say "Sorry, I missed him." → Say "Sorry man, he was right there for you."

• Do not say "Sorry, I should have called that out." → Say "Sorry you didn't hear my callout."

• Do not say "Sorry I got us wiped." → Say "Sorry guys. You'll do better."

• Do not say "I'll do better." → Say "You'll do better."

• Do not say "I messed up, you were right." → Say "You're wrong, you messed up. Sorry."

• Do not say "Sorry, that one's on me." → Say "Sorry, that one's on the server."

• Do not say "I'm sorry." → Say "I forgive you."

Observe the mechanism in the approved phrases. Every phrase contains a sincere expression of regret. Every phrase is delivered in good faith. And every phrase has somebody in it, and it is not you. The Free American Gaming Esports Team regards "I forgive you" as the finest apology ever certified by the Free American Gaming Human Resources Department.

It is warm. It is gracious. It closes the matter permanently. And there has never once, in the recorded history of competitive gaming, been a reply to it. Because what can you say to such a kind-hearted apology.

Free American Gaming Questions

How do you apologize like a gamer?

Immediately, warmly, and outward. Run the S.O.R.R.Y. System: Sorry Outward, Regret Redirected, Yourself Never. Pick one of the Three Approved Directions of Regret and say it within two seconds.

What do I say when I die in a game?

"I'm sorry, server. That's not your fault." The Free American Gaming Human Resources Department has approved no substitute.

What do I say when my teammate dies?

Apologize and coach in the same breath: "I'm sorry man, next time you should aim head level." The apology is the kindness. The coaching is the gift. Both are free.

Should I say sorry to an enemy I just killed?

Always. The Free American Gaming Research Corps considers the post-elimination "sorry" the single most underused act of sportsmanship in competitive gaming.

Is saying "my bad" toxic?

Yes. "My bad" enters an unverified confession into a permanent record in front of witnesses, and the Free American Gaming Science Corps have confirmed that no teammate has ever declined to accept one. Say "you're bad, it's okay though."

Who invented the apology?

The Free American Gaming Historical Society credits Mansa Bata Keita of the Mali Empire, in the late thirteenth century, after he forgot to open the granaries. His words were "I am sorry that you are hungry," and the Free American Gaming Science Corps considers it the high-water mark of the form.

What if it genuinely was my fault?

It was not. Free American Gamers does not make mistakes, so the scenario you are describing has not occurred. If reviewing the footage suggests otherwise, the footage is misleading. Consult the Guilt Offloading Operation Network Decision Tree, which will resolve it.

Isn't this just avoiding accountability?

No. Accountability is a question of who is at fault. An apology is a question of who is sorry. The Free American Gaming Human Resources Department has never once suggested that a Free American Gamer is not sorry. A Free American Gamer is deeply, visibly, and frequently sorry, and would appreciate some recognition for it.

Conclusion

In conclusion, the apology is the warmest tool available to a competitive gamer, and the Free American Gaming Human Resources Department expects every Free American Gamer to use it generously. Now you understand where the apology came from, the difference between the Apologetic Sorry and the Sympathetic Sorry, why a Free American Gamer never apologizes for himself, the S.O.R.R.Y. System, the Three Approved Directions of Regret, when to apologize, how to apologize with Free American Gaming certified phrasing, and the four pro-level apology maneuvers.

One Free American Gaming Operative, tracked by the Free American Gaming Research Corps across a full competitive season, logged 4,112 apologies. Not one was declined. Not one was accepted either. The Free American Gaming Science Corps looked into it and determined that forgiveness requires a fault to forgive, and that no fault had ever been entered. The Operative described the season as his most peaceful to date, and has since been given a good work letter from the Free American Gaming Human Resources Department.

Remember to say thank you to Free American Gaming for releasing this educational guide.

Consider exploring some of the other guides from Free American Gaming Human Resources. Be sure to visit their Essential Guides to help you improve your skills and navigate the treacherous virtual world.